time: it moves fast and slow

I cannot believe that August is nearly here! Where has this year gone? I'll be 22 in a month and a half!

I shut myself away from the world for the last day and a half. No response to the outside world. It's just what I need. I'm considering extending it longer.

I can't believe that it's been almost a whole year since my life changed completely. A whole year since I became the happiest I've been in my 21 years of living. I haven't been the same since I've come home. Not even close. I've had my days where I legitimately appreciate being here. But my heart belongs somewhere else.

This past week has really fucked me up.

People fucking with my emotions. My trust. My mind. My life.

I'm not listening to anyone but myself anymore.

So impose as many opinions you'd like. It's not gonna make a damn difference to me.

the distant future

When I fall in love with someone and that someone falls in love with me, I want them to make me a mix cd of all songs that remind them of me. Preferably with these tracks:

All Time Low - Remembering Sunday
The Academy Is... - About a Girl
Kings of Leon - Closer
The Maine - I Must Be Dreaming
This Providence - That Girl's a Trick
Paramore - The Only Exception
New Found Glory - Hold My Hand
Boys Like Girls - Thunder

and so on and so forth.

yaknowthecutesongs.

just saying. if you're out there. do something like this for me.

summer love

Current Mood: relaxed
Current Emotion: excited/happy
Currently most looking forward to: my best friend coming home for a whole month!
Currently rocking: Paramore - brand new eyes
Currently:

I've been enjoying these two days off of work by doing absolutely nothing! Sitting around, watching dvds, playing old school N64, saving money.

When I went to Florida, I worked one shift at Downtown Disney. I never recieved a paycheck for it. I spent hours and weeks making phone calls, leaving voicemails, sending facebook messages, etc. Finally I got some answers. Due to a costuming error, I should be recieving a check in the mail for wayy more than the time I should be paid for that one shift. Reason number 2941 why I love the Walt Disney Company. :)

Back to relaxing.

I know that there's a place for me somewhere...out there.

I believe in balance. Giving to recieve. I believe in equality. I believe in happiness and love. Friendship.

Stopping there.

Friendship. That word rings in my ears a lot these days. What is a friend? Have I really witnessed true friendship? Have I recieved as much as I've given? Did I give too much? Did I give too little? Did I care too much or too little?

I am selfless.

Ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you. I will do anything for people.

Here's my problem: I don't think people do nearly enough for me.

I don't know how important I am to you.

Tell me.

promotion.

Check this girl out. We met her at Bamboozle Roadshow this past weekend. She's so down to earth and has some sweet merchandise.

not even guilty.

My time here in Orlando has come to an end. I'm not looking forward to going home. And to be completely honest, I don't miss anyone. I mean I miss my family. But half of my friends. When I was here for five months I didn't have certain friends telling me they miss me and blah blah blah. I was gone for 5 MONTHS! Now I'm only gone a week and they want me back already. Give me a break. How about I stay here?

Tonight, I head back to ibar. For the 4th time this trip.

Let's make it last shall we?

It's happening...

Sunday is an hour away from being over. Bring Monday on! I hope it goes by so quickly I don't know what hit me. I've finally started packing. I already have 6 pairs of shoes packed. No bueno. haha but it's okay. Thanks to my mr. potato head training, I can pack that shit TIGHT! So far I picked up one shift at Pooh's Corner. And I'm so stoked about it! Remember when I hated that place? Now I can't wait to work there. Crazy how life is sometimes.

I'm not letting the outcome of my semester ruin this trip. I'm convinced that the outcome of my semester proves that I should of extended my program. But at the same time, while I should have extended, I'm glad I came home. I got to meet so many people that I don't think I would have if I stayed. One person in particular, that I know for a fact I would have never met had I stayed, he however could probably live without me. It sucks feeling that way. To be attracted to someone who couldn't really care for you.

Our new assistant manager Krista started at our store last week and we all LOVE HER! She is seriously the biggest breath of fresh air that we all needed. She's so fun, down to earth, and positive! I'm so happy that she works with us.

We all went out to Bourbon Street on Thursday. Me, Krista, Georgia, Sarah, and friends. Fun was had all around. The girls experienced me "WOOF-ing" at a guy for the first time. They loved it. Basically a guy tried to say something to us walking in the parking lot and I woofed at him before he could get a word out. He drove away so fast. bahaha. So try that next time someones bothering you. Garunteed success.

For now, I must try and sleep. I leave you with one of my favorite photos from my program. Pray that tomorrow is a quick one for me. Peace and love.

2 short weeks

In two short weeks (hopefully) I'll be in Orlando. Whenever I think about it a giant smile appears on my face. I forgot the great feeling I get when I smile. I'm happy. I don't even have to close my eyes anymore. I don't even have to think really hard. I can picture it like it's right in front of me. All my happiness. As if it were real...

I'm considering seeking therapy. I need to get to the bottom of all my thoughts. I want to feel normal again.

I take my math final in 45 mintues. Pray for me.

I'm having an epiphany as I speak

Today we had a store meeting for work. At the store meeting we played a trivia game. It was duing this trivia game that I answered the final bonus question correctly and won a cookie cake. No one wanted to share it with me at dinner afterwards so I took it home. I then proceeded to eat too much. Now I'm lying in bed miserable. So from here on out, I'll be eating much healthier. I'm so positive I've weened myself off of sweets for good. This blog is no longer just updates on my life. Its updates on my weight. I'm hoping to lose some. I'm hoping to lose a whole lot. Please pray for me. And wish me luck.

my eyes are glistening with the ghost of my past.

everytime I close my eyes, I see the same things. I'm in Florida with my best friend. We're walking around the parks, downtown, our usual haunts. Everytime I see these things, I'm happy. I guess I should keep my eyes shut then huh?

I go back to Florida for a week in 19 days! This is what I have been dreaming about everyday. I can't focus on school. School has been a giant clusterfuck of stress and pain. I'll be so relieved when the semesters over. I can't wait to let all of my emotions out. Cry myself into exhaustion and sleep. I'll sleep for days.

I have so much to look forward to in Florida
My best friend.
Disney Parks.
I-bar.
Old Friends.
An amazing job.
Disney merch.
Fall Out Boy sing-a-longs.
Fast Food binge eating.
Beautiful weather.
Eye Spy.
Photobooth photoshoots.
Everything.
Being happy.

I can't wait to be happy again. To an outsider I may look happy. I really should be an actress. I'd kill.
I can honestly say that since I've been home I have not honestly said "I love my life." I haven't.

It's thundering outside. I'll be up late writing a paper. How fun.

i could really use a wish right now...

I can't stop listening to the new song Airplanes feat. Hayley Williams. Genius. I'm under pressure again. I just want this semester to be over. I don't think I've ever had a semester this hard before. Or I just can't remember any semesters before the last one I had because of Disney. I clearly have tunnel vision. But can you blame me? I've found something that makes me happy.

Can it just be June 1st already? Please?

coffee overload

I wish everyone could see this man I'm staring at right now. Total nerd-bomber.

Psych class is going to be a snoozer today for sureeeeeee.

39 days till I go back to Orlando!

that is all.

let it begin.

the countdown has started. I have only four weeks left of school. Hopefully four weeks left at Moraine Valley Community College. Then I can finally move on to bigger and better things.
In 40 days I finally make my way back to Orlando. As the numbers get smaller I get more and more excited! I can't wait to see my best friend again. I can't wait to go on so many new adventures with her. I can't wait to go back to I-bar and see Lee and Arthur! I miss them! I can't wait to see everyone I used to work with! And hopefully all the CPs I worked with that extended their program will still be down there! One of my old co-workers/co-CPs is interviewing for a position at Universal! How cool would it be to get into the Harry Potter park fo free! *fingers crossed*

For now, I'm off to work. Gotta make some serious dinero to pay off my phone bill for the month, car insurance, and save for FL! peace and love.

food for thought

this is just me thinking outside the box. when couples get married and decide they want children of course they want the perfect child. Every idea of perfection is different in their eyes. And once they feel they've acheieved that "perfect" child, they stop having more. I've been feeling like this lately now for a while. My parents seem to treat me like the family dumbass these days.

Dearest Mom and Dad, do you think I'm a fucking idiot? Do you really have to ask me this many questions everytime I tell you I'd like to go out? I don't even go out that often! Do you question your parenting over the years? Do you question the 12years of public school that you put me in? I'm not a moron and I can take care of myself. I survived 5 months on my own 1200 miles away and you were oblivious to what I did when I was gone. I was never in any kind of trouble then, what makes you think I'll be in any kind of trouble now? I'm starting to see similarities more and more every day between myself and my aunt.

strange terrain

I'm currently listening to the new Circa Survive album. I should be working on my economics homework. I have no motivation whatsoever to do it. These past few weeks have been very stressful. Thank god for this past weekend.
Before I went to Eastern my self-esteem took quite the beating. I was lead to believe that I was well-liked and was headed in the direction of dating someone.
I know I said I'm thankful to not be as damaged as others, but I'm still damaged. And with every bad moment, I grow even more damaged. I feel even more hopeless.

However,
I will not take the blame for this one. Everyone's heard the story. They don't think I should be beating myself up as much as I am. They don't understand why I care this much. They aren't believing all the excuses I made for you, and all the conclusions I came to. They are having the greatest difficulty wondering why it's all over you.

This past weekend I drove down to Eastern to visit Christina one last time. She graduates this semester. I truly admire her work ethic. She's getting shit done. The weekend was filled with friends, Chubby's, Beer Olympics, more alchohol, and lots of memories. Being at Eastern always reminds me to be thankful that I've lived the life I live. I could never be at that school. And I could never imagine my life had I decided to stick it out.

Tuesday, Candice came home to visit. This is gonna sound cheesy and ridiculous but it was an amazing feeling to hug my best friend again. I've been good at hiding it but it has been extremely difficult without her here all the time. I'm sure anyone can imagine seeing someone almost EVERYDAY for 5 months and then putting 1200 miles in between each other. I was so happy to see her for nearly a whole day. It felt like old times. Hopefully I'll be able to see her again before she goes back to FL. If not...June 1st. So excited!

For now I'll say goodnight and try to finish my homework. Let's re-phrase that...START and FINISH my homework.

I surrender.

I'm thankful for not being as damaged as others. But I can't stand being alone anymore.
In some ways I feel just as damaged.
I'm always being built up, only to be let down.
I need this weekend away now more than ever.

Take a chance and make it big...

I'd hate to sound cliche but I feel like this is the start of something new. I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago. The semester has taken a very wide turn. A turn for the better. I may actually make it out alive. I finally brought all the Disney merch back out. I gave myself one last good cry and I smile now with everything I see and hear that triggers a memory. Last night Colleen, Sarah, and I went to Bourbon Street for ladies night. It was fun to say the least. I must admit, any bar I go to will always be compared to ibar. I have yet to find a place remotely similar. Ran into someone that I've been developing feelings for over the past few weeks. It was an interesting encounter. At the moment, I feel confused, yet smitten. Awkward, yet hopeful. I try to piece everything together and wonder if I did or said anything wrong. Maybe I was too forward? Tuesday will be an interesting day. It seems like he can't even look me in the eye for more than a second. His eyes were everywhere but looking at me. At this moment I feel insecure. Its times like these when I'm not keeping busy, my mind goes a mile a minute. Christina and I went to Oak Brook today and scored some sweet new threads. Urban Outfitters sale section is my sanctuary. Thank god for Christina. It was so good to catch up with her and have her to distract me from my thoughts. I haven't seen her since February! But now that I'm sitting here writting and going over recent events, I'm second guessing my actions and words. For now I'm ending with this, the ball is in your court. If you want something, get it. Make the effort, I've said my piece. Work tomorrow should go by relatively quickly. I get to work with April! She always cheers me up. I think we cheer each other up. I'm happy to have met her. Happy Easter everyone!

hello blog. it's been a while.

It's been a while since I've updated. I guess I really haven't done much in my life worth telling. My new job is going great. Each day I work I'm getting more and more comfortable. School is a different story. It will be a miracle if I make it through the semester. If I make it through the semester...I'm going to Disney World! Well, I'm going to Disney World regardless of the outcome of my semester. June 1st I fly out of Midway back to where my heart belongs. I get to see my bestie again! In person! I cannot even begin to explain how incredibly excited I am for that day. I made sure I was there for at least two Tuesdays. Two Tuesdays to enjoy everything about Ibar. It will be different though. I really hope I can pick up a few shifts and work with everyone at Once Upon a Toy. I still can't bring myself to get all my Disney stuff out of the basement. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. We finished our presentations for Disney Recruiting exceeding our goals. I felt very proud. I'm excited for the weather to finally be picking up. It hasn't snowed in a while now and it's been raining alot and washing all the snow away. I hope it continues to turn into spring. The sun will do me nothing but good.

oh by the way, I need to see a Lollapalooza lineup asap. It's killing me!

Thank you...

Thank you for doing all the things that we had planned together....without me. Thank you.

I can't begin to talk about how excited I am for spring. I can't wait to wear dresses again! I can't wait to wake up happy. I can't wait to see the sun! I can't wait to wear my sunglasses while driving with the windows rolled down, blasting my music. I can't wait to make my triumphant return to Orlando. It all just seems like its going by so slow! Its taking forever to get here! I'm not going to Bamboozle this year. And I'm okay with that. I'm very much looking forward to Lollapalooza. I hope Iglu & Hartly plays this year. I'd be very happy. Right now I'm in my math class. My brain is going a mile a minute. There's a lot going on in my life right now. It's all happening so quickly. I'm hoping come Sunday I'll have some time to slow down.

can't be too careful anymore.

who would have ever thought
that you could actually meet someone on the internet.
proceeding with caution.

lost in eastern time.

never in my life have I ever felt so lost and depressed. a part of me wishes I'd never done this college program. I was content with my life. I wasn't as happy as I was when I was in Florida but I was satisfied. I was living for the future. Had I not gone to Florida I could be finishing school on time. I could of kept my job. It's been very difficult transitioning from a warm-weathered, happy enviornment, to a cold and rude town. I've said this before and I'll say it again. I truly believe I am un-happy because of the weather. I just don't know how much longer I can handle being here. and to make matters worse, I am back to a place where I am unsure of what I want to do for the rest of my life. Do I continue to work for a company that I know already makes me happy? or do I continue towards my initial dream and see if I'm happy there? One thing is certain...I'm tired of crying at night.

A month of despair

It's technically be one whole month as of today that I parted ways with the city of Orlando, Walt Disney World, and Vista Way apartment 2503. Upon my arrival to Orland Park of course I was excited. Since August I hadn't held my cat Hershey, slept in my own bed, enjoyed the privacy of a room to myself. I was welcomed with open arms by my mom, who I missed like hella crazy and recieved a beautiful Coach purse. After a few days of un-packing and trying to resume life I headed back to Carson's to begin the process of getting my old job back like I was technically promised. I remember my last week there like it just happened. I was so excited to finish the night and as I said goodbye to everyone all managers I spoke with hoped that if I came home I could come back and work for them. What does that sound like to you? Sounds like an open invite to pick up where I left off upon my return. I guess I thought wrong. While everyone was happy to see me there were aparently no openings for me to work for them. I was left out in the cold. Jobless. It's February 8th and I'm still on the hunt. I had an interview on Wednesday for a key holder position at Rave. I hope I get it. Second interview is later today at 2. Wish me luck!

School has been busting my non-exsistent balls! I'm still functioning on my Orlando sleeping schedule to which I get off work at midnight and go to bed at 3/4 in the morning and don't wake up till noon. Hopefully I turn out some decent grades.

In the mean time, the sooner I get a job, the sooner I can move back to Orlando. The plan is to audition for entertainment. I'm pretty confident I'd make it. My neighbor was a character performer and gave me some great tips. and I didn't take acting and theater for NOTHING! So pending entertaiment acceptance I'll be moving back. Upon denial I'll find a job doing something else. Either way I want to work for Disney! geez that should be a reality show. Like I wanna work for Diddy!

till next time...

another reflection? YES another reflection.

There isn't a day that goes by where I don't wish I was waking up in my Vista Way apartment. Perhaps it's just the winter turning me off to the whole aspect of being home right now. I'd much rather be in Orlando. Over the past five months I have met the most truly genuine people I've ever met. They have all blessed me in ways I never thought I'd feel blessed. The memories I've made will live forever with me until the day I DIE! For the first time, I was comfortable on my own. I was confident, I was content. I had a routine and I loved it...
So here is where I personally thank those who have really affected me during this journey...

Candice: words can't being to explain how thankful I am to have met you and traveled on this journey with you.
You've been there through thick and thin, every step of the way. You are the true definition of a best friend.

Betsy: my crazy Texan. You're the main reason I loved my job so much. I looked forward to our days at work together. While our job description was all about fun, you added your own style to it and made it that much more enjoyable. I couldn't have asked for a better co-worker, neighbor and friend. I looooove youuuuu!

To my roommates: Adrianne, Blair, Camila, Cat, Jen and Sam- you were the ones who had to live with me all those months. Thank you for putting up with my crazy cleanliness, my days of bad moods, oh and drunk Tuesdays. I couldn't of asked for better roommates.

To my family at Once Upon a Toy, Pooh's Corner and Mickey's Pantry: you've made me feel more at ease about coming into an already well connected and established family in less than five months when it took my previous job family three years. I will never forget you. (Brittany, Nicky, Michelle, Andrea, Phil, Sam, Jennifer, Mellisa, Wilfredo, Stephanie, Lauren, Kammi, Jorge, Samantha, Helen, Yoyo, Rain, Marge, Paul, Sharon, Chris J., Chris K., Mari, Ashley, Stacy, Ron, Judy, Jean, Ridia, Haeng, Kenn, Madden, Ian, Yalina, and all the others) my apologies if I missed you.

And to the four "gentleman" that I considered hopefuls as my prince charming, thank you for opening my eyes a little wider and keeping the song playing in my head. Because even though you turned out to be a dud... "Someday my prince will come, someday we'll find true love."

I start school in four hours. It's 4 in the morning and I can't fall asleep. A part of me is excited to return to school and make friends new and old. A part of me just wants to run away. Candice and I took the city by the balls the other night and went to Angels and Kings and Flat Iron. For a city that has spit out some pretty big names in music you'd think the scene would have a decent dance bar or two? I was lucky enough to have lived thirty minutes away from two! Why did I leave that behind?! I'd like to file this entry under late night ramblings. This all probably won't make sense later when I've gotten enough sleep and I'll chuck it up to crazy talk. I think I just need some sun. The cast of Jersey Shore is calling...and they're telling me to go tanning.