i could really use a wish right now...

I can't stop listening to the new song Airplanes feat. Hayley Williams. Genius. I'm under pressure again. I just want this semester to be over. I don't think I've ever had a semester this hard before. Or I just can't remember any semesters before the last one I had because of Disney. I clearly have tunnel vision. But can you blame me? I've found something that makes me happy.

Can it just be June 1st already? Please?

coffee overload

I wish everyone could see this man I'm staring at right now. Total nerd-bomber.

Psych class is going to be a snoozer today for sureeeeeee.

39 days till I go back to Orlando!

that is all.

let it begin.

the countdown has started. I have only four weeks left of school. Hopefully four weeks left at Moraine Valley Community College. Then I can finally move on to bigger and better things.
In 40 days I finally make my way back to Orlando. As the numbers get smaller I get more and more excited! I can't wait to see my best friend again. I can't wait to go on so many new adventures with her. I can't wait to go back to I-bar and see Lee and Arthur! I miss them! I can't wait to see everyone I used to work with! And hopefully all the CPs I worked with that extended their program will still be down there! One of my old co-workers/co-CPs is interviewing for a position at Universal! How cool would it be to get into the Harry Potter park fo free! *fingers crossed*

For now, I'm off to work. Gotta make some serious dinero to pay off my phone bill for the month, car insurance, and save for FL! peace and love.

food for thought

this is just me thinking outside the box. when couples get married and decide they want children of course they want the perfect child. Every idea of perfection is different in their eyes. And once they feel they've acheieved that "perfect" child, they stop having more. I've been feeling like this lately now for a while. My parents seem to treat me like the family dumbass these days.

Dearest Mom and Dad, do you think I'm a fucking idiot? Do you really have to ask me this many questions everytime I tell you I'd like to go out? I don't even go out that often! Do you question your parenting over the years? Do you question the 12years of public school that you put me in? I'm not a moron and I can take care of myself. I survived 5 months on my own 1200 miles away and you were oblivious to what I did when I was gone. I was never in any kind of trouble then, what makes you think I'll be in any kind of trouble now? I'm starting to see similarities more and more every day between myself and my aunt.

strange terrain

I'm currently listening to the new Circa Survive album. I should be working on my economics homework. I have no motivation whatsoever to do it. These past few weeks have been very stressful. Thank god for this past weekend.
Before I went to Eastern my self-esteem took quite the beating. I was lead to believe that I was well-liked and was headed in the direction of dating someone.
I know I said I'm thankful to not be as damaged as others, but I'm still damaged. And with every bad moment, I grow even more damaged. I feel even more hopeless.

However,
I will not take the blame for this one. Everyone's heard the story. They don't think I should be beating myself up as much as I am. They don't understand why I care this much. They aren't believing all the excuses I made for you, and all the conclusions I came to. They are having the greatest difficulty wondering why it's all over you.

This past weekend I drove down to Eastern to visit Christina one last time. She graduates this semester. I truly admire her work ethic. She's getting shit done. The weekend was filled with friends, Chubby's, Beer Olympics, more alchohol, and lots of memories. Being at Eastern always reminds me to be thankful that I've lived the life I live. I could never be at that school. And I could never imagine my life had I decided to stick it out.

Tuesday, Candice came home to visit. This is gonna sound cheesy and ridiculous but it was an amazing feeling to hug my best friend again. I've been good at hiding it but it has been extremely difficult without her here all the time. I'm sure anyone can imagine seeing someone almost EVERYDAY for 5 months and then putting 1200 miles in between each other. I was so happy to see her for nearly a whole day. It felt like old times. Hopefully I'll be able to see her again before she goes back to FL. If not...June 1st. So excited!

For now I'll say goodnight and try to finish my homework. Let's re-phrase that...START and FINISH my homework.

I surrender.

I'm thankful for not being as damaged as others. But I can't stand being alone anymore.
In some ways I feel just as damaged.
I'm always being built up, only to be let down.
I need this weekend away now more than ever.

Take a chance and make it big...

I'd hate to sound cliche but I feel like this is the start of something new. I feel like I'm in a much better place than I was a few weeks ago. The semester has taken a very wide turn. A turn for the better. I may actually make it out alive. I finally brought all the Disney merch back out. I gave myself one last good cry and I smile now with everything I see and hear that triggers a memory. Last night Colleen, Sarah, and I went to Bourbon Street for ladies night. It was fun to say the least. I must admit, any bar I go to will always be compared to ibar. I have yet to find a place remotely similar. Ran into someone that I've been developing feelings for over the past few weeks. It was an interesting encounter. At the moment, I feel confused, yet smitten. Awkward, yet hopeful. I try to piece everything together and wonder if I did or said anything wrong. Maybe I was too forward? Tuesday will be an interesting day. It seems like he can't even look me in the eye for more than a second. His eyes were everywhere but looking at me. At this moment I feel insecure. Its times like these when I'm not keeping busy, my mind goes a mile a minute. Christina and I went to Oak Brook today and scored some sweet new threads. Urban Outfitters sale section is my sanctuary. Thank god for Christina. It was so good to catch up with her and have her to distract me from my thoughts. I haven't seen her since February! But now that I'm sitting here writting and going over recent events, I'm second guessing my actions and words. For now I'm ending with this, the ball is in your court. If you want something, get it. Make the effort, I've said my piece. Work tomorrow should go by relatively quickly. I get to work with April! She always cheers me up. I think we cheer each other up. I'm happy to have met her. Happy Easter everyone!